When you feel like everything is going right and you can only see the glass as half full, that’s what I call “yellow”. When I met my husband I was the brightest yellow in the world. It’s a feeling where you can’t stop smiling and even when bad things happen you aren’t fazed by them. Although it’s an amazing feeling, it doesn’t mean that you are “cured” of your depression.
I don’t believe that medication is the only cure for depression and there are notably many other ways to combat those symptoms; however, when I quit taking my medicine cold turkey I didn’t implement those alternatives; I just relied on the high of my new relationship.
I think that is all too common of a reaction with people who deal with depression and anxiety. It’s so easy to assume that when you have a good day, week, month, etc. that you are suddenly cured.
Depression and anxiety are forever something that we will be susceptible to. Although there are times when stopping medication makes sense, it should definitely be done with a doctor’s supervision, slowly, and with alternative methods in place for combating those symptoms.
(Go figure) I learned the hard way.
Not too long after my cold turkey decision, I planned a vacation with a friend. We’d been friends for a couple of years (we weren’t super close but, hey, I wanted to go to the beach). So we arrived at our destination totally exhausted from a 14 hour drive and the conflict began. She wanted to party like it was 1999 (sorry, I had to) and I just wanted to sleep. I was completely uncomfortable and instead of handling the situation like an adult I had a complete panic attack. I didn’t recognize that it was my anxiety at the time; I honestly thought I had the flu. Not only was I sick but I totally shut down. I immediately picked “flight” on the “fight or flight” check list and curled up in the bedroom with a book – for the rest of the trip! It totally ruined her time and I couldn’t really explain why I was feeling or acting the way that I was. All I did was wish I was home, away from the conflict and with people who I felt comfortable talking about this problem with.
So by the end of the trip I had successfully ruined a friendship and proved to myself that I had made a horrible decision to just assume that I was “cured” from my depression and anxiety. My husband saw for the first time how “crazy” I was and the reality that he was dating someone with these complications really set in. I leaned on him like a crutch and abused his caring nature. He was the only person that I’d ever be vulnerable in front of and it was like the floodgates had opened and all of my neediness came rushing out. I had always managed my depression on my own and the idea of having someone to “help me” was glorious. Unfortunately, no one can really “help” with depression, support and understanding is really the only thing someone can give. I’d call him to “make me feel better” and it always just ended with him feeling helpless and me wondering why my “super hero” couldn’t fix me. My expectations were so high that I set myself up for failure.
I finally got desperate enough that I went back to the doctor and was put on my medication again. I felt such a sense of defeat and weakness from this decision. It didn’t last long though. When my medication kicked in I recognized the affect that it made on my life and my relationships. I realized that it wasn’t defeat but it was my reality and ignoring the problem was ignorant. I decided that I wanted to be better and not only was I going to take my medication but I would look for other ways to combat my depression too. I started going to fitness classes, drinking less, sticking to a routine, visiting with my family when I got lonely, and talking about my depression with more than just my husband. I can’t stress enough how important this was for me. Letting other people in and allowing them to understand what I was going through was pivotal.
Lesson: You can’t beat depression, you can only manage it.
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